


Today's Record

by KPRC8N



Category: Starlights, VIXX
Genre: Other, fictional diary entries, hakyeon thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-09
Updated: 2019-05-21
Packaged: 2019-11-14 05:41:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18046586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KPRC8N/pseuds/KPRC8N
Summary: A fictional rendering of how Hakyeon may write in his diary if he could, while he is away for military enlistment





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> **my purpose here is to express how i feel hakyeon sees the world, i claim no better knowledge of him than others  
> **i have no idea what happens in the korean military, my "research" is based on hearsay, tv programmes and wiki  
> **i have only some experience of Key from what i have seen online, apologies to fans if i transgress, but i do write about him with love
> 
> I may update within published chapters, and also update with new chapters, I hope it's not confusing.

Today’s Record

190309

 

The first night was hard, not being in my own bed.

 

Sharing a room was easier, something I have been used to before, something familiar, even with the strangers around me.

 

Making my bed in the morning.

Waking early with a full day ahead.

Readying myself without distinction - no make up, no styling, no costumes - just a full day ahead to fulfil.

 

These things I have been prepared for from long ago.

 

While I know people I left behind are missing me, I wish they would feel how much this new path seems fresh and challenging for me. I do not forget them, or leave them behind, but I am looking forward, and I hope they would look forward on their own paths too. After all, we are still walking together, forward, the same way.

 

We will meet again ahead.

 

If they are stuck on the road, how will they keep that promise to me? No, we must remember it as we progress, just trusting that the other will be there at the meeting point as we said. I hope they have that trust and keep walking forward, blind to my path but fully meeting theirs.

 

We promised.

 

Wonsikkie. Hongbinnie. Sanghyukkie. Jaehwannie. Taekwoonnie.

 

If Taekwoonnie gets into my section, I will finally have a reason to tease him about being so clingy. And then he will tell me I manufactured my appointment to this section first because I knew he would want to apply for it too.

 

Truth is, we would be experiencing each other’s presence for the first time, as something other than members, as something other than family. I will not be able to vouch for him if he fucks up, nor him for me.

 

In this vast army, we two brothers must stand on our own, be faceless, have no support except for the mechanism of military heirarchy, and rules.

 

It feels alien and cold. But everything I have learnt from being one of the members, from being in the group, I can apply here.

 

Here, I am an ant.

 

I wake, I prepare, I do my tasks, I grow strong. I execute. I am diligent. I am worthy.

 

It is not unlike the daily tedious tasks of loving a family.

 

This is what gives me strength. This is what I can do, and with love too.

 

 

 

190308

 

Our first morning on the field. I am surprised by my strength, and found that I could carry more than most without straining myself.

 

Not surprised by my lack of hand-eye coordination and lack of stamina. I must have fooled myself into thinking that running around after people built staying power, but it seems to have just built a strong sense of self-importance, which is only useful to me on camera. Hopefully what stores I do have of that will not expire before my return to the public eye.

 

In the meantime, I look forward to my first weekly rehearsals for military band tomorrow, and to see if Key did well this week like I did.

 

He and I promised to share a cola on Sunday to cheer ourselves up if we had a bad week. If he hasn’t done well, I will gladly let him have the whole lot. It is the only true drug, in my opinion, sugar is.

 

I still think of my succulents and whether Eomma or Noona will remember them next week. If for some reason they don’t, the present I left for them in the fridge will expire the week after.

 

Of course they will remember :)

 

It hasn’t been one week and I have felt happy in my little space - the bunk bed my roommate let me have even though he is my senior; the cupboard that is right up against the window so I always have a view of the outside, even though part of the view is of the side of the next building; and how we have a small cubby each for snacks, a cup and eating utensils.

 

It’s like how I used to imagine when we went for long drives before I went to school, that we were actually on the run in a post-apocalyptic world, with nothing but what we managed to pack quickly stuffed in the boot, and everything we needed to survive was our ingenuity and scavenging and being on the run indefinitely. My little spot in the back seat was all I had, and the window I could barely see out of was my view of the world. Fallen electricity lines, black birds and smoke.

 

One of the Noonas must not have made it because there was only room for three at the back. Hyung was busy protecting our semi-destroyed house of course.

 

Nowadays, concerns such as bathing and going to the toilet prevent me from thinking up such scenarios as a fantasy.

 

But the feeling of being secure in a small space, alone in a messy and chaotic new world, is a strong source of comfort - maybe because it was a feeling of everyone else doing this together.

 

I can already hear Hyoggie making fun of this the way he does. He knows I let him, even though he jokes that it is because he thinks it is the only way he will allow me to interact with him.

 

But I know his baby secrets.

 

I will never tell because I am my family’s baby too, and mine have never been told by those who know mine, and I would be devastated if they were.

 

This is why Hyoggie loves me.

 

 

 

190310

 

Key and I decided to forego the cola, since we both feel we did so very well this week. Band rehearsals was just dividing up our tasks and instruments. Since my instruments are my voice and my body, I will be singing and dancing, eventually. But for now, they have asked me to see what I can do with musical arrangement and so on.

 

I do not have much choice in the pieces we will perform, but being in band makes me happy already.

 

Tomorrow, we will be starting our basic outdoor training which will last til Friday.

 

The thing I dread the most is finding out that my body’s physical limits will get the better of me, and that I might not have much will to go forward at all.

 

 

 

190311

 

I am exhausted, and too tired to think.

 

But, I have discovered the beautiful, overarching spiritual value, uses and comforts of hardtack.

 

 

 

 

 


	2. 190313

190313

I have made a friend, Seokjeong, who rooms in the next barrack. He comes from a fishing village and has never seen Seoul, let alone been away from home. He is very, very homesick, and doesn’t understand us even though he speaks the same language.

But his grandmother taught him how to dive ten metres deep, and he knows how to tie all sorts of knots. How do I know this delicious tidbit of information? Because I gave him the last of Eomma’s rice cakes trying to stop the flood of tears last night, and he rewarded my kindness with a rambling reminiscence of home.

It reminded me of what I always wished Taekwoon would be. I have never missed my shy taciturn friend from six years ago more.

I am still sore from our first day on the field, but thankfully we only spent a day and night in tents. Last night we were allowed to return to the barracks if we completed our obstacle course under time.

So, this leader made twelve other grown men discover their inner champions and hidden flexibilities as they made their way to the finish line with time to spare. Nothing motivates me more than the fine comforts of civilisation, like running water and brick walls. Well, nothing except the love my good people have for me.

Seokjeong has promised to come visit and tell me more about why hand cast nets are gentler than trawling nets - a promise I never solicited and one that I don’t need to further what I already know. But perhaps he will benefit more from hearing his memories be spoken, than I will from listening.

And a told story is a good story, for they are never meant to be kept unheard.

As I finish writing this, I am about to lay down my exhausted head to sleep. I am sure the last thing on my mind will be how I didn’t realise I had already had my last rice cake when I ate it four nights ago.

Eomma says untied threads need to be tied. Tied off, or tied to another string.

This untied thread remains, but it is a good thing, not bad.

190315

I cannot wait for tomorrow. I will see Key again, and this time I will outrank him. I shall use it to make him fetch me drinks.

Also, I have to present my proposal for the upcoming spring concert, and it has been hard trying to think of something other than the cherry blossoms and pink. Perhaps something along the lines of regeneration? Renewal? I wonder how well that will go over.

Spoke to Eomma, new ssuk-beomul is on the way <3 <3 <3

 

190317

[the issue of corruption and prostitution within the kpop industry and society dominate the korean news for days]

News of what’s going on has been reaching our ears, but all we know is hearsay.

I remember Hwang Sajang-nim telling us from the start that he played a small but meaningful game - and I didn’t really understand what he meant until I saw how apart from that world we are. It would be hard to get into the game of politics or big business without playing by those rules.

But it is hardly surprising since even we feel the pressures that come with our success, out from the world of the big leaguers.

Even with the love between us and starlight, the line must continually be drawn in the sand, in the dust.

The same should be between friends, even the best of friends.

 

190318

My supply of mugwort rice cakes has been replenished, and when I collected it from the front office this morning, the officer there asked me if Eomma would make any extra for anyone who asked.

I sense a business opportunity here. Only if she would want to, of course.

It has me thinking about Noona’s spring onion kimchi too.

 


	3. 190320

190320

 

I dreamt that Taekwoonnie got an award and then when he made his thank you speech he mentioned everyone but me.

 

 

 

 

190323

 

Band.

 

Key is an obnoxious show off.

 

I love him very much.

 

In other news, he almost made fun of Seokjeong and now I won’t sit with him until he lets Seokjeong sit with us too.

 

 

 

190324

 

I dreamt that Wonsik punched Taekwoon in the face for forgetting my name. Taekwoon made some kind of gurgling vomit sound, but Shikkie just linked arms with me and we walked away. Then when we were out of sight he wouldn’t let me have one of his songs even though I asked nicely.

 

Key finally came over at breakfast and now Seokjeong thinks he is the most wonderful sassy thing. I hope he remembers that he promised to tell me why hand cast nets are better.

 

Perhaps I should use my free time later to look it up. Key would never.

 

 

 

190325

 

It’s Sunday. The saddest day of the week.

 

The night before Monday is the worst. It is quiet, lethargic and depressing. We have nothing to do except prepare for the morrow and all we want is to feel happy and uplifted. Some of the guys have taken to singing anthems at sunset, outside on the lawns.

 

They’re like shamans guarding against unknown horrors of the night.

 

Key wants to throw a book at them but he can’t. All he has are military booklets and campaign leaflets. He said it would only be funny if it was a Vogue magazine urban camo edition or something. Then it would be ironic.

 

That’s when I asked him about his burned Gucci, and now he won’t talk to me.

 

Which is fine except Seokjeong gave me the side eye and seems to be avoiding me.

 

 

 

190326

 

Key took the time to explain to Seokjeong that we show our friendship for each other by calling each other names and insulting each other’s habits and poking fun at our deepest vulnerabilities, and now we are all friends again!

 

Hand cast nets study is a go.


	4. Child of my Parents

190406

 

Happy Birthday KenHwannie. You’re my favourite dongsaeng.

 

 

 

190410

 

Bohemian Rhapsody for a band concert?

 

Well, if I must, I will do my best.

 

Truth be told, I may the least “rock” of all the members, and despite his swag, Wonsik doesn’t figure as high on the rock scale as Jaehwanie or Taekwoonie, in my opinion.

 

Those two are volatile. Wonsik is entirely dependable and too earnest in his work.

 

All I can bring to the table is enthusiasm and a desire to please, besides my talent. I shall impress every uncle, aunt and cousin that comes see us.

 

 

 

190418

 

Seokjeong and Key have made their own clique and are excluding me because I have been too busy learning the English lyrics for Bo-Rhap.

 

It’s okay, Key is stuck in the back on triangle or whatever they gave him (truth be told I am uninterested in what instrument he is playing at the moment).

 

 

 

190505

 

Knowing that my videos go online while I am away makes me happy. It was a stroke of genius, opening my account, because I did so much before I left and it whetted my appetite to create more for Starlight.

 

What I remember most from that day when Mother and Father came to film at my home, was how Ma’s feet didn’t reach the ground when she sat on my sofa, and how full of character they were, how playful.

 

Her verve has always inspired me and kept me sane and kept me from feeling alone.

 

 

 

190510

 

The day I got my band uniform, Key and I looked at each other at the officer’s common room where we collected them. He smirked, can you believe it?

 

Well, we do look good. Plus I think I fill out my kit better than he does.

 

In less than a week, I upgraded to white pants - it’s like gaming, I must tell Hongbin.

 

Father cried when I saluted him. I made sure to tell him how much it means to me that he loves me so - but the performer in me almost exalted over getting such a great reaction, truth be told. Ma laughed at me, she knew.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
